Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
