How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
