You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
