dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
