Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
