My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
