Umm I'm too high to move.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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