Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
