I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
