I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
