I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
