i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
