omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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