I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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