I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
