We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
