oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize