Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
