I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
