Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
