he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize