oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
