I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize