I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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