either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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