I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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