Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I need moral support for this bender
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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