Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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