I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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