I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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