i can't believe i had my finger in that
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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