Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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