I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
