Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
