if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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