Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
