If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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