I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
