Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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