It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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