Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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