Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
