I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
