i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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