I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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