I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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