After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
