When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize