i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
