Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
