I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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