for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
