While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
